Am I moving on upwards or biting off more than I can chew? Probably both. I haven't posted here in a while and too much stuff has happened. See the thing is, on the Dollhouseforums website they asked if anyone would be willing to start up a fansite for the upcoming show by my favourite creator: Joss Whedon. They would get their own domain for free and have full control of it. This is  a really big thing. The site in question, www.dollhousefans.com - belongs to me. Yes, ME!

The reason it is such a big thing... well, think about. Joss Whedon's shows, especially Buffy, are some of the most-loved and well-known in the world. Now he's got a new show, previous fans are going nuts, these people are off their heads anyway... so they're definitely going to want to visit a site telling them all about the show and its characters and keeping them updated. If this became a BIG thing, which, chances are, it will, my site will be overrun with visitors, comments and people gasping for my attention. It has the potential to be something really fantastic, I could maybe even earn a lot of money from it. I'm not doing it to get money or anything... but imagine...

Anyways, thats the great bit. The site will be a hit, I know it will. I'm amazed that a 16 year old girl from Altofts pulled this off with not that much effort. I got Mandie to make and code the layout and I did all the FTP stuff, which AHA! I finally get. So the site looks great and people who wouldn't look twice at my websites before, are now begging to be affies with me, cos they know how big this thing is and what it could mean for their hit counters being linked with me. These people aren't stupid. But, wait, hang on. There's a downside to everything.

Nathan, who gave me the site, says he loves MOST of it. Emphasis on the most. He keeps asking me to change a little bit here and a little bit there. I'm not that good and I think he believes I am. He doesn't know how old I am and I don't want to break it to him that most of what I do is figured out at the time and I'm really not that certain of anything: graphics, coding, favicons... He's been lovely and patient; I just really wish I knew someone who was a real expert on this stuff who I could consult at home and still keep my star status with Nathan. He has my login details and I've explained that he is welcome to change things that he thinks need it, I'm hoping he doesn't ask me to do it... I honestly don't know what I'll say.

So, today is Thursday and this is a rather delayed entry because I need to talk about my College Induction Day, which was on Tuesday.

Firstly, I got closer than I ever have been to people from my old school, especially Cecelia, I was amazed at how close we became, we had such a good laugh. We went to Law and had to comment on these 'cases', and we found it so funny that this boy killed a man with a large chapatti pan. But anyway, when we got there, we were split up into temporary forms, which unnerved me because I was with noone I knew.

But then I got talking to this other girl who was by herself, Kirsty, and we became good friends quickly. And when we played this game of getting to know each other, the person next to me who I had to find out a fact about was called Emily Milner and we just laughed when we realised we had the same names and after that we got on so well. Then there was Joe, who was pretty hot and older than the rest of us, I think he kept checking me out but I'm not sure. The others I didn't catch the names of; but there were a couple of lads in the corner who made the rest of the class laugh a lot, and a boy who had a t-shirt saying 'one by one the penguins stole my sanity', and an extravagantly dressed girl with a white face, red lips and an orange dress who seemed lovely.

Also, my temporary tutor and assistant tutor were so nice. My tutor was called Dave and he called me Emily May and said that it was a real country/western name and I should release my own album. The assistant tutor reminded me of Mrs Flanagan from St Wilfrid's and she was hilarious, she called everyone sweetheart and darling, and at the end of the day she fast-tracked me in the photo queue to help me get out on time and made me laugh while I was having it taken... I said "Look what you made me do" and she just laughed raucously.

I made my final A level choices and picked English Lit, Maths, History and Psychology. I'm positive about all these being right except maths, I'm wondering if I should have done Law instead and I'm still considering pushing the idea of 5 A levels when I go back to enrol. I'm really looking forward to Psychology though, I went to that lesson and it was wonderful, I've become a little obsessed with the theories of Sigmund Freud. But just basically everyone and everything was ace and I just really want Sliz to go there now. I have Sarah, Steph, Becky, Cecelia, Lemuel & Howley there, so that would just make it perfect.

I was also asked if I wanted to take a maximum of two extra-curricular activities. I chose DofE because I think it will look good and because I'm interested in it and I also took Drivers ED, because... well, free driving lessons? You shouldn't say no to that with expenses of learning what they are. So all in all, I'm looking forward to it... I'm really excited actually. I'm just praying I do well in my GCSE's and then I will be soooo happy, everything would be perfect in life!!!!!

Mood: Optimistic     

Haha, I have found a slight, possible loophole which I swore she didn't have any of. Like I said before, she said things that had no proof but COULD have been true. Well yesterday she gave me some information that I was doubtful about; but because she knew the situation better than me, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. And then she produced some 'evidence' of the claim in question. Shock, horror. She had never done this before.

But thats where things change. The presented evidence I know to be false. To be fair, this is not clear proof that she is lying because, for what it is, she could be mistaken and everything else she has said been true. But the pictures were clearly manips, not real full photos. Uh-oh, is this the leakage I've been looking for? Or is my lack of faith getting to my head?

I have had my doubts about her for a while, especially the fact that her stories were fantastic and wholly unlikely. Then there was the lack of evidence... and now, the false evidence. Is this it? Have I caught her? But, even though it is looking that way, lack of evidence (or true evidence) is not evidence that a person is lying. But so far, I'm finding less and less reasons to believe she is telling the truth.

Mood:  Groggy    

Don't you hate it when you are really stuck on whether to believe something or not & you don't even know if you'd rather it were true; you weigh up what it means as a lie and what it means as the truth. That's sort of something that's happened and I'm unsure how much I can say about it on here because there's always the chance that the person in question may end up reading this. So no names.

If it is the truth, someone I love becomes very different in my eyes. Someone I consider a friend has done something I thought impossible of them to do and an act has been carried out that shocks and disturbs me. But at the same time, if this is the truth, it offers a glimmer of weird hope. Or maybe that's just how I percieve it, for the thing in question, seems to be, from what I have gathered, done under the influence of alcohol.

If it is a lie, where the person I love is concerned, nothing changes. But for the friend, this makes them a liar and, I hasten to add, very likely insane - and I mean that without joking. If it is a lie, then it has been constructed so intricately and cleverly and even ruthlessly. This kind of woven madness is not dredged from a sane mind. To look at the question: "Is this a lie or not?" You would have to access the reasons for such a lie. And there are reasons.

Let's imagine it isn't the truth. This could be stemmed from jealousy; or equally an eagerness to achieve jealousy from myself. From a longing for what they have said to actually be the truth - of which, I cannot blame them for wishing. It could have been imagined for shock, to gain some recognition, which definitely comes with something like this. It has been so well thought-out, no loop-holes except for lack of concrete evidence, how perfect that everything I have been told occurs when I'm conveniently not there or wasn't able to make it. If this was a crime it would be a crime with motive and no alibi, but the person who commit the crime would be a crazy genius. That is what it feels like, no, more than that; that is what it is, if this is a lie.

On the other hand, it could be the truth. It is an unlikely happening but not impossible & when something comes from a friend, you have to question: would they actually lie to me? Maybe, maybe not. Also, could an average person design such a story from nothing? Hard to tell. All I know is that there's no evidence for or against & they always say innocent until proven guilty. So for now, I can do nought but trust my friend and have faith in her sanity of mind.

Mood: Thoughtful  

My self-love is really showing of late. I've been continuing answering questions about myself, either ones I've made up on my own, ones from surveys, or even ones that people asked James Marsters on his website.

I am also attempting to write this whilst eating an egg sandwich and tonight we're going to Eastern Court for Jake's birthday. I absolutely love Chinese food.

Factophile: http://jmgroupe.piczo.com/factophile

Mood: High  

I have done it. I have been a lame ass and started to list the books I've read. I think it's going to take quite a while, but I have, alas, began. And this time I've done it on my webiste. That way I like to think that nothing can go wrong. Papers can't get lost, and if the computer should break I don't lose any important files. This seems the safest method.

Check here for the books in quesion.

Mood: Pleased  

Yeah, well, okay. Maybe not quite over, it's not like my life has ended or anything but the exams have and that's about as far as I can see into the future at the minute, thank God for small mercies. I'd kill myself if I saw a bad future coming.

So, anyways, anyways, I like giving random facts about me, you may have seen before, just listing all the things that make me stand out and show how weird I am. Because that's the thing isn't it, in today's world, everyone wants to be weird. It's cool now, it's extremely uncool to be normal, no wonder emos are taking over the planet. But I'm kinda getting to a point where I've bypassed it all, where weird is no longer exciting and I'm longing for some sense of normality, I swear none of it's there anymore... hardly anything is normal. I miss it. I really do. Can it really just be me who wants to be okay and happy and myself. I think that's how people started out, an urge to prove they can be themselves and weird people brought out their inner-weirdness and that was okay. And then it became cool. Suddenly, the cool, sane people before became boring and unpopular because they weren't 'expressing' and enjoying themselves. It's a joke because everybody has a different inner-self. Expressing that is supposed to be cool... but the catch is that it's only cool if the self you express is weird enough for it. I'm weird in many ways, far too many ways, but compared to my friends, I'm the most average and just blah. Nothing makes any sense.

Oh dear, I didn't half go off on a tangent. I was saying about random facts. I like to give them but they're taking up too much room in my blog. So I've put them on a page of my website and I'm posting a link to it so that they are readable but not in the way, here they are:

http://jmgroupe.piczo.com/lafaq?cr=2

[x] My heart belongs to a TV actor

[x] My favourite jokes are the ones inside my head that will never happen

[x] My life is as strange and as ordinary as one person's dreams

[x] I prefer dark to light but never total darkness

[x] My favourite dreams I can never remember

[x] Heads or tails: I always pick tails

[x] I'm at my most brilliant when I'm on the verge of falling to sleep

[x] I spent the worst night of my life throwing up in a cardboard bowl

[x] As I feel right now, I would never marry. Except in the case Of James Marsters

[x] Tomorrow is a terrifying thought

[x] There are people I would die for who don't even know I exist

[x] I often lie on my bedroom floor for hours... thinking

[x] Yesterday makes me feel nostalgic

[x] I care what people think until I know that they don't like me, then I simply hate them

[x] I often find it hard to shut my mouth whn appropriate

[x] The word 'punishment' gives me dirty thoughts

[x] I could live forever inside my bedroom and my mind

[x] Cancer frightens me

[x] Parties are a fun idea until I'm going to one

[x] I often wonder if I'm the target of those sarcastic comments

[x] I have dwelt long on my mistakes

[x] If I had a gun, and I wouldn't get arrested, I would shoot half my school

[x] I have my emotions under lock and key

[x] I hate liars more than anything

[x] I believe that women truly are the better sex

[x] I do not believe in a prince charming for me

[x] I dislike pain but enjoy the thought of it

[x] I sleep late because I try to hold onto the night before as much as possible

[x] I want to travel EVERYWHERE

[x] I feel like my life is drifting down a calm river, I'm almost praying for a waterfall

[x] The radio annoys the fuck out of me

[x] I said I wouldn't but there are people who I would change myself for

[x] I'm high on the dreams that life shoots you with

[x] To some extent, I am a material girl through and through

[x] I'm afraid people I love will forget me

[x] Holding hands seems so good now I don't do it anymore

[x] I want to taste him

[x] I have, at times, wished upon stars

[x] I bruise myself more than anyone else has ever done

[x] Goodbyes make me cry

[x] I like to throw things away but find that with somethings I cannot

[x] I like the taste of lollipops but I can feel them rotting my teeth

[x] Apart from this current sorry excuse, I don't think I've ever been in love

[x] I've hung love on a hanger in my wardrobe, I'll know when it's right to wear it again

[x] My favourite time for phone calls is the middle of the night

[x] I buy books much faster than I read them

[x] I often sing even though I clearly can't

[x] I think there's a bullet with my name on it, either I or he will pull the trigger

[x] Loud music feels like a heart attack

[x] I want him to fall in love with me

[x] He's all I want and it's scaring me

[x] I forgive too many times

[x] I play the same songs over and over

[x] Make-up is my favourite accessory

[x] I think up lies quickly and make them believable

[x] Designer clothes enthrall me but I like to make do with less

[x] I refuse to be played by anyone, even those I love the most

[x] I want to christen my bed with a dirty secret

[x] I get scared of starting over

[x] I like the taste of my tears

[x] The sunshine hurts my eyes on bad days

[x] I say a lot of things I know I don't mean but will never take them back

[x] I see lies everyday and carry on living through them

[x] Stupid people really get on my nerves

[x] I like to imagine I'm the best, sometimes people mistake this for thinking it

[x] I often believe I have the strength to do anything

[x] I want to have nasty sex with so much more than the boy next door

[x] Dying young doesn't sound so terrible

[x] My life has a chronic bittersweetness

[x] I am forever a self-confessed misfit

[x] Wars annoy me at their pointlessness

[x] I sometimes do things faster than I think - the result is bad

[x] I get jealous sometimes but revel in other peoples

Mood: Artistic 

As you may or may not know by now, I love writing stories or poems, in fact, my own poem was recently published. Seeing as I'm addicted to creative writing of all kinds, I thought it a great idea to publish some of my works to my blog. However, this blog is my diary, dedicated to things happening in my life and not a work of fiction. So, that is why I have opened up another blog to do my writings in, here is the link:

http://twilightfan.blogdrive.com/

Mood: Geeky